I wrote this about a year ago, and I wanted to share it here. I believe when I wrote it I had just gotten done watching the last installment of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It made me think.
There are moments I treasure in my life. Every piece of art I create never seems perfect enough. Every deep, emotional time with friends leaves me wishing I could spend more time with them, and every movie I see leaves me wanting something more, something deeper. It’s not my perfectionism crying out, nor my lack of friends, nor dreamt up unrealistic hopes created by some producer. There is something real within that yearn, something so utterly human that it can bring me to the point of tears. It strikes a chord within me that’s usually ignored in everyday normal life, but during these moments I feel more alive than I have ever been before.
I react in different ways sometimes when this feeling finds me again. Sometimes I try and dismiss it by turning on the TV or going to bed, sometimes I try to capture it by writing (you’re seeing the result), and sometimes I just sit and think. Regardless, I always want these moments to last as long as possible, to revel in them and never go back to my everyday life. During these moments I wonder how I could even go back to everyday life. Yet I do, because there doesn’t seem to be any other option. At some point the feeling eases away and I’m left wondering what that was like once again.
Christians talk about before someone accepts Christ that they have a God-shaped hole in their life and they inevitably try and fill it with a myriad of things. This is not the feeling that I’m talking about, though I do think it’s related. No Christian will deny that they have these moments when they’re feeling something bigger than themselves; the moment when they step out of the everyday, and into the eternal. That’s precisely what I think this feeling is: something bigger, something eternal. As we grow older we start realizing that there is little permanence to everything we do, and we grasp for a more lasting endeavor.
There are other moments I have that are not a yearning, but a peace. Times when I feel close to God, like he’s across the table at a coffee shop looking me in the eyes. My mindset is so focused on him during these times that everything I do God takes part in. I eat, sleep, and breathe God. It feels wonderful. I don’t feel like I’m being religious, and I’m not worrying what other people think of me. My head clears for awhile. But it never stays. Inevitably something brings me back to the harsh reality of everyday life, and I must plod on.
As Christians our goal is to live for the King, our God. But some days the Christian walk does not seem adventurous. The goal is not always as obvious, the enemies not quite so evil, and the reward never as redeeming. Everyday life seems like a muted version of the real way we should live. Like driving in the car for hours and only seeing the same sights repeated. It’s the glimpses of a reality we could have that drive us.
These are the times I’m talking about; these are the times I look forward to. I want to spend more of my life out of the everyday, and into the eternal. It makes me look forward to heaven all the more…