Category: God

I believe that’s the question each of us are asking ourselves. I’ve been asking it for a long time. I’ve been looking for that affirmation from others. Today I’ve been so frustrated that I am not everything I want to be, not everything that I could be. I know amazing men of God that I look up to and that I want to be like. But I don’t measure up to them, I am not always like them. So often I feel like I get back the answer that I am not good enough for anything. Not a good enough Christian, not a good enough friend, not good enough at my job, not a good enough member of society.

I am not enough, I am nothing but a failure. If only I worked harder, was more disciplined, had more friends, and was more spiritual. I try to do all these things, but their needs inundate me and I end up more confused, and more of a failure than before. I strive for my goal which is to be like those people, they have become my standard. This goal that is self made – not God made.

This is when I realize that I take this question to the wrong place. I ask my friends “Am I Enough”? I ask everyone around me, and I ask myself. I will always dissapoint people around me. And their answers are always dissapointing. Yet, when do I take this question to God? Have you ever tried praying to God and sincerely asking his opinion of you?

I don’t think his answer would be, “Well, you haven’t read your Bible in awhile, so I’m not sure what to think about you.” He wouldn’t nitpick your spiritual “problem areas.” No, the first thing he would say is that you are his creation, and that he loves you regardless. If you take that question to God the answer you will get back is a resounding “YES!” Through Jesus we no longer have to be enough. We don’t have to measure up to a standard of anyone else, we don’t have to look to others to affirm us.

The power of grace in action is unfathomable. God is Enough, that’s all that matters.

At the beginning of this weekend I was ravenously hungry for fellowship. I wanted to talk, laugh, and be with people. Now, at the end of the weekend, I am exhausted. That may have something more to do with the fact that I got an hour of sleep last night, but I also attribute it to spending a lot of time with people in the past 48 hours. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with friends, I consider conversation an art form, and it is a rare moment when want to be completely alone.

This weekend was particularly hard because I got to see the reality of what some of my friends do when they’re not around me, and it was disappointing. They’re not bad people, I know that. I see the potential of what God could do through them. But there are days like this weekend when I lose hope. I get frustrated at their behavior, when I feel that they make foolish choices, and then end up angry at the world because of it. In these moments I want to tell them off, to just yell at them so that maybe they’ll snap out of it. But I know that it wouldn’t help. That would be the easy route, I believe that God has called me to the long run.

The long run involves waiting patiently. Standing by your friend even while you do not agree with their choices (and they already know that) and still loving them for who they are outside of their behavior. I don’t think refusing to hang out with them simply because you disagree with them is the answer. Instead you set limits to what you are willing to go through with them. And then you wait. You wait until your friend is willing to listen. Willing to let you in and willing to let you speak truth to them.

But this weekend included one of those redeeming moments too. When you’re so utterly frustrated and just want to scream, suddenly a burst of truth comes out of nowhere and takes you by surprise. When you’re friend opens up and shares with you what you had never thought they were going through. And then you realize that it’s all for a purpose. And even though you’re in it for the long run, and change doesn’t arrive overnight, you remember that change can come. Sometimes it’s simply in baby steps. These moments make the exhausting run worth it.

As I’ve had a lot more time lately I decided that I wanted to start reading more often, but I needed to find something easy that I could easily get into and really enjoy at this point. I came back to my favorites, The Chronicles of Narnia, written by C.S. Lewis. I read them long ago as a kid, and a few years back I read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe to kids that I had at camp, they were entranced. Reading further into the series, I must say, I think I am too.

These books have been drastically altering my picture of the Christian walk, and that of God himself. They take my walk with Christ out of the normal context. They take away the obligation of following God and give me desire. Instead of a stale experience going to church and talking about God, they challenge me to see life as a battle. A fight between good and evil, a battle of epic proportions. When the Christian walk is put in this context, I believe it makes a lot more sense. The story is not about us, yet we get to take part in it.

Aslan is the God-figure in the books, an enormous lion who is a ferocious as he is good. (“Safe? ‘course he isn’t safe… but he’s good”) Something strikes me about this picture of God. He is someone who I want to follow, someone who I am willing to fight for. He puts skin and bones to a figure who was hard to envision before. He is a dangerous foe, he is wise, he is compassionate, he is mysterious, but never impersonal. (“He comes and goes as he pleases…”) He puts emotion where had trouble seeing it before.

What this says about me I’m not exactly sure… I need to read children’s books in order to understand God? Well, something like that, I guess I can’t deny it. I wish I could read the Bible this way and see God and my walk as C.S. Lewis did, but I thank him that he put down his thoughts for us to read in story form. I think God likes stories, there is something epic about God himself. He’s just asking us to play a part in the story.

I apologize for the lengthy amount of time we have gone without posting here. The school semester is finally over, and I now have some free time to put into this site. Unfortunately Ross is out of the country for awhile on two missions trips this summer. Maybe if we’re lucky he’ll grace us with a post while he’s home for a short time in between.

All I could think about for the past month of school was how much I was looking for some rest. Some free time to get done what I wanted. I was so busy with school projects and other projects that I didn’t have any time for what I wanted to be doing. I had so many great ideas, and so much enthusiasm to get them done, I only lacked the time to actually do them.

Now that I am home, I find myself with the opposite problem. I have all the time in the world, but I can hardly get anything done because I have no motivation or enthusiasm for anything around here. I know of all sorts of stuff that I could be doing, and yet I simply don’t do them. I don’t understand myself. There are times when I long for rest, and yet when I find time to rest I don’t use it constructively, I become a blob that cannot accomplish anything.

What is rest? Some people simply need some sleep, others are looking for some alone time, others are just looking for time where they can do whatever they want. And while there are times when we need to catch up on these things, I think that they won’t give us exactly what we’re looking for. I want to venture that we’re not really looking for rest, but for contentment. If we could only be happy with the situation we’re in, instead of always wishing that we were somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.

Psalm 62:5 says, “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.” We look in all sorts of places for rest. We long for a little bit more time to sleep, a scrap of time to ourselves, yet it is never enough, and we are never satisfied. Just as Solomon found that all the wealth in the world could not make him content, take it from someone who has all the rest in the world for a time, it hasn’t made me any more content. It has made me lazy, bored, sinful, and avoid God. Quit wishing for what you do not have and be happy in the situation that you are in!

Run to God, for in him and him only, will you find rest.

I wrote this about a year ago, and I wanted to share it here. I believe when I wrote it I had just gotten done watching the last installment of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It made me think.

There are moments I treasure in my life. Every piece of art I create never seems perfect enough. Every deep, emotional time with friends leaves me wishing I could spend more time with them, and every movie I see leaves me wanting something more, something deeper. It’s not my perfectionism crying out, nor my lack of friends, nor dreamt up unrealistic hopes created by some producer. There is something real within that yearn, something so utterly human that it can bring me to the point of tears. It strikes a chord within me that’s usually ignored in everyday normal life, but during these moments I feel more alive than I have ever been before.

I react in different ways sometimes when this feeling finds me again. Sometimes I try and dismiss it by turning on the TV or going to bed, sometimes I try to capture it by writing (you’re seeing the result), and sometimes I just sit and think. Regardless, I always want these moments to last as long as possible, to revel in them and never go back to my everyday life. During these moments I wonder how I could even go back to everyday life. Yet I do, because there doesn’t seem to be any other option. At some point the feeling eases away and I’m left wondering what that was like once again.

Christians talk about before someone accepts Christ that they have a God-shaped hole in their life and they inevitably try and fill it with a myriad of things. This is not the feeling that I’m talking about, though I do think it’s related. No Christian will deny that they have these moments when they’re feeling something bigger than themselves; the moment when they step out of the everyday, and into the eternal. That’s precisely what I think this feeling is: something bigger, something eternal. As we grow older we start realizing that there is little permanence to everything we do, and we grasp for a more lasting endeavor.

There are other moments I have that are not a yearning, but a peace. Times when I feel close to God, like he’s across the table at a coffee shop looking me in the eyes. My mindset is so focused on him during these times that everything I do God takes part in. I eat, sleep, and breathe God. It feels wonderful. I don’t feel like I’m being religious, and I’m not worrying what other people think of me. My head clears for awhile. But it never stays. Inevitably something brings me back to the harsh reality of everyday life, and I must plod on.

As Christians our goal is to live for the King, our God. But some days the Christian walk does not seem adventurous. The goal is not always as obvious, the enemies not quite so evil, and the reward never as redeeming. Everyday life seems like a muted version of the real way we should live. Like driving in the car for hours and only seeing the same sights repeated. It’s the glimpses of a reality we could have that drive us.

These are the times I’m talking about; these are the times I look forward to. I want to spend more of my life out of the everyday, and into the eternal. It makes me look forward to heaven all the more…

In my speech class the other day we had to interview each other regarding the topics we’re speaking on. This one girl asked me if I was comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone. I thought that was a ridiculous question to ask, it’s called a comfort zone for a reason, because you’re uncomfortable stepping out of it. It made no sense to me. The professor thought the question was marvelous though, so I didn’t say what I was thinking.

When I came to college I didn’t have much of a comfort zone. I lived in a room with 3 other guys who were very unlike me. We got along great regardless of our differences, and I came to love living in the basement with them. As I began to get more involved with campus ministry I began spending more time with Christians, living with Christian roommates, and now the majority of my close friends are now Christians. I have built a large comfort zone around myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know a good group of people in my major, I know the guys on my floor in the dorm, I work with a bunch of other people at my job. Yet, I do not really know many of them at all. I don’t know what going on in their lives, don’t know how they’re struggling, I hardly know what they do with most of their free time. I only know them at the surface level, and they only know me that much. That is pitiful.

I cannot do God’s work in my comfort zone. I believe that God has called me to befriend non-believers. Not for the purpose of making them into my Christian stereotype. But so that God can work through me in their lives. People are people in God’s eyes. Matthew 5:45 says, “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” While we’re on earth, I don’t believe God distinguishes to whom he gives grace. I wish I could do the same.

I get by many times thinking that if someone wants to get to know me, then they should be comfortable doing the same things that I do. I bring non-believers to a Christian meeting and wonder why they think it’s weird, or why they aren’t comfortable in this situation. Why? I’m quite sure that I’m not the only Christian who struggles with this. We need to engage people where they are at. That means going to their house, hanging out with their friends. We should be the ones willing to risk ourselves, risk our comfort zones for them, not vice versa. I need to step out of my comfortable Christian clique.

I’m still figuring out this “In the world, but not of the world” business means (John 17:14-15). But I’m trying to figure it out. What I have written here I have not put into practice yet. It’s going to be hard, and it may take some time. Please have patience with me.

I liked the train of thought in Ross’ last post. It makes me wonder how much God wants us to know. I don’t think God created us to simply think about him. He created us to experience his love, and to be in relationship with him. So how much time should we devote to thinking, discussing, and trying to figure out God?

God obviously created us with an innate curiosity about the world around us. As humans we try to figure things out, categorize them, simplify them. I think that these are gifts and special abilities that God has given out, so we’re obviously meant to use them. I don’t think God calls us to never question Him, never wonder about him. The Bible talks about people being teachers in 1 Corinthians 12, the skill of teaching God requires you to simplify, and categorize. I cannot believe that it is wrong.

And yet, I don’t believe God wants us to waste all of our time doing that either. When we question God, sometimes we become frustrated that we cannot figure everything out. We will never be able to reason to the extent that we can logically explain him. That’s the point of faith after all. When we rely on our reasoning or our intellect more than our faith, then we have changed our priorities. God says that we cannot understand him in Isaiah 55:8-9 “My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways my ways…”

When Jesus sees children in Mark 10:13-16 he says “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” We need to have faith like a child. But as nice and poetic as this sounds it is not easy. Simple faith sounds easy enough, but the world around it accepts it as madness. If you do not have reasoning behind your beliefs you are a fool in the world’s eyes. I always feel a need to be able to “defend” my faith. To be able to logically explain every nuance of the Christian faith. I am frustrated when I cannot.

How radical would it be to say to your non-christian friends that you simply believe on faith?

I’ve been on a line of thought about community for the past week and I just need to post it here. It saddens me to see the patterns that develop in a community over time. For example, it seems like (especially in a college ministry, but in churches as well) there are a ton of people who get involved with the community right away and enjoy participating in it, but as time goes on many drop out, and only some go until the end. I’ve seen this pattern as I get older, and it frustrates me. Why do so many people not get involved and stay involved?

Now you have to excuse me that what I’m about to say is an overgeneralization, and that not every person fits neatly into a catagory. I realize that people have many varying reasons that they may not be involved anymore, and I accept them as good reasons. But this is a theory that struck me the other day. It is a theory, meaning that I may be wrong, or need further thought, and you may correct me on it.

I guess I see people in stages that they start in, and move on to…

New Members: This is where people start. Someone finds a community of believers, and if it is a good fit for them, they get involved, participate and learn within the community. In this sense, it is rewarding. They are essentially takers. Spititually, they are being fed. This is an easy stage to be in, because it doesn’t ask anything of them, and no one expects anything of them. They cannot stay in this stage for a long time though, because communities have needs, physical needs, and spiritual needs. So they move on to another stage…

The Laborers: This is where people should end up. They still participate and learn within a community, but it may not be as rewarding anymore. These people realize the purpose of being invested in earlier, and realize the community has needs that they can meet. So they volunteer to meet them. They are essentially givers. Spititually, they are feeding others. It is a lot harder, it wears on them, and it can be very frustrating at times. It can also be very rewarding, more than only being fed. It would be best if everyone would stay here forever, however, I’m not sure that’s the case.

The Unmatured: These are the people that never completely move out of the beginning stage. Either they choose to ignore the pleas of the needs of the community, or they never really realize that they community has any needs. They are still takers, still being fed. It may or may not be rewarding for them depending on their reason they’re at this stage. It could be that they are afraid to become a laborer because it sounds daunting, or they feel inexperienced, or they may be oblivious. They can wear on the people around them who are investing in them because it can mean so much giving without any recieving. Some take some time, and eventually move on, others stay here forever.

The Leavers: These people get frustrated that the community is no longer as rewarding for them. And while they realize that the community has needs, for some reason they cannot start giving. Whether the problem is time, or inexperience, or laziness, they choose to leave the community because they do not see the purpose of the community if it is no longer rewarding, and they refuse to serve others needs. They are mature enough to see that they cannot continue only taking, yet they cannot move to the laborer stage. So they leave, possibly to start over somewhere else.

Bear in mind that this is a theory, and that I may be wrong, but it is simply how I see things currently. It sounds rather utilitarian now that I put it in writing, but that’s the pattern I have seen. Please correct me if I’m wrong, I would appreciate comments.

I’m not sure where I get this crazy idea that christian community should be easy and perfect. That would be completely unrealistic, unhuman, and unbiblical. Yet, I’m frustrated by the imperfection that I still find. I expect that when people find Christian community that they will be loved, accepted, and shown grace by the people around them. It can happen, I’ve felt the effects of people treating me like that at times. I’ve tried to show it myself to the others around me.

But you can never show that perfectly. Someone is always left out, someone is always not included. I tend to take a lot of responsibility when people are critical of the community I’m involved in. I feel like they are dissing me personally. Maybe its because I try so hard sometimes to get everyone involved. Maybe its because I feel like I have failed. I let the team down. Sorry.

But I know that I have limitations. I cannot talk to everyone, I cannot show love to everyone, I cannot include everyone. I do not have that capacity. It is freeing to realize that. Does that mean I ignore those people that I know are hurting though? How do I work within my limitations to do the best that I can, while still not feeling like a failure everytime someone says something negative about our community?

Real people are hurting out there. Who should I persue? Who does God want me to persue?

Today was one of those days where I woke up in a funk, and never completely left it. Reading an article in GQ magazine about Christian Music Festivals made me think a lot about what people who do not call themselves Christians think of us. It makes me think that I’m some kind of freak, some kind of weirdo, maybe I’m the one wrong, and they’re the one that’s right.

There’s something scary about that. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. I’m sure some would read this post and believe that I’m simply scared to leave the bounds of my comfortable Christian worldview. While that may be part of it, I don’t think that’s the foremost part of the feeling I’ve got. I think sometimes the problem is that I cannot explain its rationale in human terms. I’m not sure how to defend it, as if it needs defending.

But there are days when I read the word and it just smacks of truth. Doubt dissipates. Jesus responds to John the Baptist in an interesting way in Luke 7:18-23. John is in prison for preaching, and so he sends his disciples to question Jesus. “Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?” John was questioning if his whole ministry was pointless, if he had it wrong the whole time. That gut-wrenching kind of doubt you get.

Jesus responds in an interesting way. He doesn’t rebuke John or his disciples; he doesn’t tell them to just forget doubting. He says “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me.”

When doubt hits me, I look back at what God has done for me, who he has impacted around me, how he has changed me. Doubt dissipates.